When you have a monster-in-law
Let’s be real, family is hard. You get to pick your friends, not your family. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on what you get, when we choose a life partner, their family comes with them. It doesn’t mean it has to be all bad though. If you find yourself with a “Monster-In-Law” just remember a few things….
Boundaries
Let me say this again, BOUNDARIES! When you form a partnership a lot of things change, and change can be hard for people. Especially, when that person may feel like they are being replaced. Don’t fight for roles within the relationship/family. Know your role and set boundaries. Boundaries can be hard. If your partner is on board with you, discuss your boundaries with them, and set them together. Things can get tricky when your idea of boundaries is different than your partners, but nonetheless, you can still set your own boundaries.
Don’t triangulate
When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship with your in-laws, it's essential to strike a balance in the relationship. Communication is key, and setting boundaries is necessary. It's crucial to get on the same page with your partner and discuss what these boundaries are. If you're not on the same page, don't involve your partner in the conflict. That would put them in a challenging situation where they feel like they have to choose sides. This is where balance in the relationship becomes crucial. Don't engage in triangulation by having your partner do your dirty work. Instead, take responsibility for setting boundaries with your in-laws and communicating your frustrations directly.
Don’t punish your partner
When your in-laws are acting up, don’t take it out on your partner. Again, your partner may feel as though they have to choose, and that’s impossible. Your partner is trying to balance. Don’t punish your partner if he/she is talking to their family daily, and you are in a big fight with them. Remember, what we talked about earlier. Don’t triangulate. Part of that means, your relationship with your in-laws is different than the relationship your partner has with their family. They have a longer history. Of course, there are always exceptions. If things are getting out of control, then it’s time for everyone to have a talk, but don’t punish your partner for something that they didn’t do. You wouldn’t want someone punishing you for something that your family did!
Even as a family counselor, who works with families daily, there is no one way to navigate a family. Everyone is different. So, do what works for you and your family. Ultimately, remember that you’re a team. There’s always a saying that there is no “I” in team, but there is an “I” in win. The winningest (is that a word?) family is when healthy INDIVIDUALS come together to form a relationship.
If you have been considering counseling near me, schedule your FREE 30-minute phone consultation with one of our therapists. Reach out to one of our therapists at Pineapple Counseling in Flower Mound, TX or Southlake, TX today!
