Getting along
First of all, don’t freak out, it’s totally normal to argue. In fact, a healthy amount of disagreement is good for a relationship. It means you feel comfortable expressing your needs, and so does your partner. Both of your needs aren’t always going to match up. Knowing that arguing is healthy, doesn’t mean that it’s a pleasant experience, and it can cross over the line to unhealthy pretty quickly. That's why seeking professional help from Flower Mound Counseling or Southlake Counseling can also be beneficial to work through conflicts in a healthy way. Try these five steps the next time you get in a disagreement with your partner, and see if it helps!
Focus on one issue at a time
It’s really easy in an argument to start bringing up everything that has been bothering you over the years. Pretty soon, you find your argument going off on a tangent, and you forget what the original argument was even about. Try to stay on task. Only focus on the present issue.
Don’t get defensive
Easier said than done right? Especially when your partner is saying you NEVER do the dishes, and you did the dishes this morning. Instead of getting defensive, try to listen to what your partner is REALLY saying. Now I know you’re not a mind reader, so I don’t expect you to be able to figure this out every time, but know that 9 out of 10 times it’s not specifically about the dishes, it’s about your partner feeling overwhelmed by all of life’s responsibilities and needs you to help out more. Bottom line, try to not get defensive. Defensiveness typically leads to the argument escalating pretty quickly.
Don’t turn it into a tally match
This can get out of hand really quickly. Your partner says you NEVER do the dishes, then you answer back with the time that you did do the dishes, and they didn’t take out the trash. Then your partner talks about the time they took out the trash, and you didn’t clean the pool, etc., etc., etc. And off you go! Now, instead of getting to the root issue, which was feeling overwhelmed and needing more help, you both are trying to out do each other.
Don’t try to beat the other person
Weird right? Especially, for us competitive people. If you truly “win” the argument, that means someone must “lose” right? So, that means our partner feels defeated, shamed, and not very good about themselves. Though this may sound appealing at times, especially when we are angry about something, it’s not really the way a relationship is supposed to work. We don’t want our partner feeling horrible about themselves. Instead, try for a win/win situation. This means that though you both got into an argument, both can walk away without feeling horrible about yourselves. Life is tough, and so is a partnership, so the goal of an argument may not be to resolve the issue, but instead to not do any further damage. I know that sounds weird, but according marriage research, 69% of arguments are perpetual problems. This means you argue about them over and over and over again, without resolution. Remember, you’re two different people with different upbringings and beliefs, so you’re going to disagree. So again, arguments aren’t always about resolution, but rather searching for a compromise and not hurting the other person further. “I” statements are a great way to start.
“I” statements
I feel: ____________
When: ___________
Because: __________
Can we:____________
It may sound corny at first, but you’ll eventually get into a flow. “I” statements are a great way to communicate your feelings, without attacking the other person. So, we will go with the dishes scenario, “I feel overwhelmed when I come home and the dishes aren’t done, because work has been really stressful lately. Can we get the dishes done after every meal that we eat, so that they aren’t sitting in the sink when we come home?” Easy enough right?! Try your hardest to not use the word “you”. This is almost always a trigger for defensiveness. I do feel the need to add, that tone and body language are important…. J
Arguments are never fun, but they are inevitable. When you find that maybe you’re arguing a little more than you used to, try the five steps above. I know that it’s a whole lot easier to argue with someone who is also trying these five steps above, but if they aren’t, it doesn’t mean that you can’t initiate some changes. So, even if your partner isn’t focusing on one issue at a time, and is trying to keep tally, just try to do your part by bringing the conversation back to the present, and not engaging in a tally match. You’ll be surprised how much you can influence the conversation just by the changes you make.
Reach out to one of our therapists at Pineapple Counseling in Flower Mound, TX or Southlake, TX today!
