Forgiving yourself

Well that’s a lot easier said than done! How many of us have things that we look back on, and just cringe? I know I do. We are all human right? We have all done things that we regret, and wish that we could take back. So, why is it so much easier to forgive other people, and not ourselves? Well, it has a lot to do with shame.

Shame vs. Guilt

Brene Brown, a researcher out of Houston. Yes, she has been on Oprah, and I’m kind of obsessed with her. She has dedicated her life’s work to studying shame. So, what is shame, and how is it different than guilt? Well, long story short, guilt is this feeling you have when you have done something wrong. When I was a kid I got mad at another kid and hit them, “I’m sorry.” Guilt is often a behavior we apologize for. We have all felt that, and done that right? Well, shame goes deeper than that. If guilt is “I did a bad thing”, then shame is “I am a bad person.” It switches to shame when we start relating our behaviors to who we are as a person. Often times, if you find it hard to forgive yourself, it is because you are feeling shameful.

Vulnerability and Empathy

So how do we work on those feelings of shame? We get vulnerable. I know that sounds absolutely terrifying! Yes, I’m telling you to talk about the very things that make you feel shameful. Now, you may be thinking, how am I supposed to get vulnerable with someone about things that I am shameful for and can’t forgive myself for? Well, the answer is empathy. Not everyone is going to give you empathy. That’s why getting vulnerable is so scary. If I walked up to a stranger on the street and told them all my shameful things, they would look at me crazy and probably just walk away. So, it is healthy to be selective about who you get vulnerable with. The crazy thing about vulnerability is that it is when connection between two people really happen. What makes your best friend your best friend, versus some stranger on the street? You’ve told them really personal things about yourself, that you don’t share with just anyone (that’s vulnerability). Now you have a deeper connection with your best friend, because of it. Can you get burned by your best friend? Absolutely! And does that hurt? More than you can imagine. So, getting vulnerable with even people you trust is a gamble, but I’m here to say that it may be worth a shot. If you don’t feel like you have anybody in your life that you can be vulnerable with, or maybe it is just too scary to try just yet, this is where counseling can come in. It’s a great place to unload with someone you don't know, and who isn't going to judge you. If you're looking for a safe space to open up, consider searching for "counseling near me".

Here’s a video on empathy, Empathy. It’s short I promise! Again, I know vulnerability is scary, and honestly, being empathetic can be scary too, but connecting with other people on a deeper level, is the start to forgiving yourself. Reach out to one of our therapists at Pineapple Counseling in Flower Mound, TX or Southlake, TX today!